While I talk a lot of smack about life in a little cubicle, I recognize that it does occasionally bring some joy to my life. Mostly, this comes in the form of unexpected free food! That may not sound like anything that exciting, but when you’ve been staring at a little computer screen for hours, and you’re possibly a little simple minded like myself, that’s all it takes to make it a good day.

The random pizza party

Once or twice a year, your company may have one of those “Uh oh, we just laid off another 30 people, what can we do to trick the others into being nice, docile, non-rampaging employees” moments.  Fixing budgets, and improving business models is tricky stuff. You know what’s not tricky? PIZZA! Everyone loves pizza. All sorts of bad things can be going on, but if we get that random 11:00am email entitled “Free pizza in the conference room at 12”, BAM, it was a good day. Is management taking advantage of the Peons desire for tasty unhealthy foods, yes. Do we love it, of course.

Big Wig lunch conference scraps

Sometimes, the Big Wigs roll into town, and take control of a conference room for half the day discussing things my feeble brain simply could not comprehend. While I couldn’t care less what they were discussing (unless it’s about who’s getting the axe next), being the battered office veteran that I am, I know we’re in for a treat.

If the meeting is taking place anywhere near lunchtime, do yourself a favor, and just hold out! The second you go out to buy lunch, you’re going to come back into the office, and see that they’re feasting on a pile of gourmet sandwiches. There’s some sort of rule that says “if you’ve got a bunch of guys in suits talking about stuff, make sure to buy them twice the amount of food they could possibly eat, just to make it look more pimped out”. What that means for the little guy is free sandwiches. Not just any sandwiches…the Big Wig conferences only get the GOOD sandwiches from the expensive deli, not the cheap grade D sliced meat stuff you’d normally buy for yourself to save cash. Take advantage, have a little snack at 12, and wait till their meeting is over at 2, then when they all leave it’s open season, and time to FEAST!

Mystery goodies

Sometimes, for reasons you don’t understand, someone from your office wakes up in the morning in a super good mood. That person then decides to buy a few boxes of Entenmann’s donuts for the office to share. I’ve never been able to predict when this will happen, but it’s better that way. The identity of this charitable unhealthy breakfast giver always remains a mystery. Perhaps they just enjoy seeing one less person about to rip a wall off of their cubicle. Think about it, how can you be mad after a donut?!

Post Holiday dessert leftovers

I’ve seen this one time and time again. People get or make a ridiculous amount of dessert for some holiday occasion, and are immediately disgusted with it after everyone leaves their house. What to do in a situation like that? Simple, unload all of the stuff on your office coworkers. Right after Halloween, I PROMISE you, you’ll find at least one huge bowl of left over candy. After Christmas, a pile of cookies, brownies etc. After Thanksgiving, maybe a leftover pumpkin pie. All you need to know is, around the holidays be ready, because there are always a few thousand random calories that need a home.

The main rule to free office food is basically just to keep your eyes open, and be ready! You never know when it’ll happen, but you know that at some point, it will happen. That alone is enough to keep strong in the never ending office battle.